UConn women’s coach Auriemma to step down

I’m not in the breaking news business, but this news is too good to not break here. Plus, I’ve wanted to break the news, but just haven’t had the chance to yet due to paperwork issues.

Geno Auriemma, the Connecticut women’s basketball coach, will announce that following this weekend’s tournament games he’s stepping down as UConn coach to take another coaching position.

After starting the season 1-10 at St. William, with the 5th and 6th grade girl’s team, I’ve decided to tap into my contacts and I’ve secured coach Auriemma to take over as the head coach for our team in the final three games of the year.

“It hurts to leave beautiful Connecticut, but it’s 80 degrees in Cincinnati right now, I can’t pass that up,” Auriemma told reporters at practice Wednesday night in Connecticut.

Coach Auriemma is expected to coach the UConn women’s team in the Final Four on Sunday and if they win he’ll be in San Antonio for the final game on Tuesday evening. If UConn loses on Sunday, he’ll be in Price Hill on Tuesday for practice. If UConn wins and plays Tuesday, Auriemma will fly in Wednesday morning to begin gameplanning for the April 11 game against Our Lady of Victory.

“I’ve won everywhere,” Auriemma said. “So why not take the final three games of the season for St. William?”

UConn is currently riding a women’s basketball record 76 consecutive wins. So why, one would ask, is Auriemma leaving to coach grade school basketball?

“I can’t wait to work with Adam, a two-time defending Big East champ,” Auriemma said. “His track record in basketball needs help, but I feel with our championship jewelry we’ll be able to outshine any other coaching staff in the league.”

It’s pretty obvious that Auriemma has reached the pinnacle of his career as a women’s basketball coach, and when he called me to announced he’d be helping me out I was ecstatic. “I can’t wait to get to Cincinnati and help teach your girls,” he told me on Monday afternoon.

My brother was dumbfounded that I got the cream of the crop to help us out, but said in a statement released earlier today that, “Coach Auriemma will be able to help teach our girls the basics of the game. We need to have someone to help us teach the basics. It’s a necessary component of the game.”

Plus, the job will help Auriemma recruit for the future. Can he take St. William to a 76 game winning streak? We’ll find out on Sunday the 11th.

Until then, enjoy your April Fool’s Day. I hope you don’t take this article seriously.